I dropped by my mom’s apartment after work yesterday to watch the Yankee game. A fairly common occurrence usually characterized by a one to two hour nap. Big win over the Orioles and I was ready to konk out. Boring right? I thought so too until I was getting ready to leave.
A little background to better us all: I did a little research and there are about 9 species of bats in New York, none of which are blood-feeders, AKA vampire bats. Bats do carry parasites and rabies and will bite when handled or harassed.
Someone tell me what I should have done – Please. Apparently a Bat made its way into an open window in the kitchen. When I was leaving the kitchen, this dark winged nuisance decided to dive bomb me, I shit you not… buzzed my control tower like it was Maverick in Top Gun. Once you get up there in the years (older folks don’t groan) you rarely get an opportunity to have some shit go down that you have no idea how to handle. I had no idea how to handle this shit, minus the fact that I dropped to the floor, let out what I can only describe as a “war-yelp” that was not unlike the bark of a golden retriever puppy, and proceeded to combat crawl into my mom’s room. Those of you somewhat familiar can imagine that my mom immediately started praying to God because she thought I was on drugs. To add to her suspicion, the so-called non blood-feeder was only there to attack me, so when she went to the living room to have a look – it was gone, and by gone I mean hiding till it could have another go at me. Still in my mom’s room, I started flicking through the channels to find a MacGyver repeat or something, Man vs. Wild episode, anything that may give me some survival tips. Nothing. 5 years ago I may have found this extremely exciting (wonder why), but I was literally without one clue as to what to do. I toughed it up and ran out of the bedroom, straight through the living room, and out the front door into the hallway. Yes, as soon as I stepped foot into the living room the winged assassin started its erratic attack flight path. Now it’s possible that my animated movements were instigating this bat, but for the purpose of this rant – it was out to kill me. So I am sitting against the hallway wall eating a string cheese (it was in my pocket, I went to the kitchen remember?) and thinking that the only way I would go back in there was in a bee keeper’s suit with a blow torch. I decided to open the door and see how my mom was faring against this carnivorous beast. I tapped the doorknob just in case it was hot and I peered in. My mom said it was on the curtain. I didn’t believe her since it was making a B-line for me and chirping in ungodly high pitches. It flew into the hallway, I told my mom to close the door and I bolted down the stairs. I didn’t feel safe until I was in my car.
I THINK it was a Big Brown Bat or Eptesicus Fuscus. These bats use all that fancy dancy echolocation crap but are not blind. This bat was too focused though; it was like Jay-Z in the studio so I really want to say it was a vampire bat. [Their saliva contains a substance, draculin, which prevents the prey’s blood from clotting. The vampire bats do not suck blood, but rather lap the blood at the site of the hemorrhage] it’s quite possible that an ex of mine is Dracula and was attacking me.
I’ve just placed an order online for a boat horn and a butterfly net. I wonder if anyone has ever blown a boat horn at a bat in close quarters.
In closing – bats are vicious, dangerous, blood thirsty monsters that double as environmentally-friendly pest management devices. And my ex is Dracula.