You Have Got To Be Shitting Me!


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We’ve all been there. Far, far from home. Not a care in the world and every aspect of your day is going swimmingly. You are out on the town with your friends or family and you are getting things accomplished. You feel like a real man/woman. That’s when you get the inner distress signal from your stomach. It doesn’t take long either, I always know within the first 48 (seconds) if I am going to end up shitting in a public bathroom. It’s happened to the best of us, I mean… sometimes even militant police dogs that drop their bowels only on command have to take an emergency shit.

ImageThis blog entry isn’t so much about shitting as it is about the fierce and intense velocity of the flush coming from these auto-flush toilets. It’s unreasonable. I go out of my way to make it as pleasant a experience as possible. Wipe the seat down… coat it with multiple layers of toilet paper… sometimes all my preparatory work is in vain. Why? Because I do the deed and before I am ready to finish up, before I am ready to tidy up the balloon dot… the damn toilet flushes on its own. It flushes on its own and I feel the spray of what can only be my fecesl infested water splashing against my backside. Why does it have to flush so hard? Why does it have to flush while I am still sitting down? I can feel it, it gets everywhere… even the plums sometimes. The spray clears the toilet by a good foot, who is testing these things? The French? I didn’t sign up for a bidet. This happens to other people right? Maybe I just don’t shit properly in public. I think I have to stop leaning forward and playing with my phone. The second the toilet thinks you may be getting up it fires off. It’s really a violation, I come out of the bathroom feeling like an altar boy with PTSD. It ain’t right. I reserve the right to flush when I want to flush. Toilet water spritz is unacceptable, I should not be going through this in 2013.

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1 Comment

  1. Oh man… This is the shittiest experience ever! It’s like they were made to flush down small dogs or footballs rather than bootie-doodie! Who wants to stand up with a sopping wet rump glistening like a swimsuit model’s ass. It’s a crime against humanity I say. Move the damn sensor lower or something potty engineers! God forbid if your sick with butt-pee and get sprayed with it every ten seconds.

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