I promise that I won’t continue on with the immature private part blog posts… after this one.
No need to click, I would like to dissect this article piece by piece right here:
A CARPET cleaner was left in agony when a 99p shower gel burned his penis and testicles. (The sheer audacity to burn both penis and testicles, together both)
Raymond Cuss, 42, says a layer of skin was ripped off his privates and his manhood was bright red after he used the liquid soap. (fair enough)
The pain was so bad he was doubled over in pain even when his underwear brushed against his genitals. (If ever there was a time to consider free-balling, it was after you burned your penis and testicles.)
Raymond, who feared he was scarred for life, has won a £1,000 payout from a branch of 99p Stores in Gosport, Hants. (Because you can put a price on the pain associated with a burned penis and testicles. “What happened? His penis…and his testicles? Hmm, no less than £1,000” )
And he said: “It was the first time I had bought this particular shower gel, and I chose it because it had the Dettol brand on the front, which I trusted. (Note: he did not choose it because it would burn his penis and testicles)
“I had a shower to freshen up when I got home from work and suffered an horrendous reaction. When I stepped out of the shower and looked down at my groin (like we all do, routinely) I could see I had been burned.
“At that point there was no pain (note to self, freshly burned penis and testicles don’t hurt) but the area was inflamed, my penis was bright red (that’s one for the imagination), and I had lost a layer of skin. I was horrified and scared I may have suffered permanent damage.
(OK forget the imagination, this is what it looked like:)
“As the area dried, I was left in incredible pain, with a burning sensation.”
“I had trouble sleeping and could not lie on my front because it was far too painful. I had tears in my eyes when pulling on my boxer shorts.” (I feel for the dude here, cause one time when I was like 13 and new to masturbation I think I over did it and caused a friction burn)
It is thought Raymond’s reaction was caused when chemicals he uses for work reacted with ingredients in the gel. (Apparently his job is to dip his penis and testicles into chemicals that would otherwise be safe…unless you happen to try to wash them off with shower gel)
And he added: “I went to my local hospital and they said I had suffered burns. (Thanks, assholes, for the groundbreaking investigatory revelation)I don’t have sensitive skin (you do now) and had never suffered a reaction like this before. (Never? Are you sure?)
“Because I’m self-employed I had to go to work and battle through the pain, which was a real struggle. The whole incident left me feeling depressed because I feared my ordeal would never end. (by never end he means that his penis and testicles would be bright red and inflamed forever)
“After a month of applying moisturiser (brilliant) at the doctor’s suggestion it healed (imagine if you will, doctors screaming at his penis and testicles “heal! heal! heal!”) and, thankfully, I have not suffered any lasting damage. (Except for the mental bit and the fear of shower gels, honestly… could you scrub your balls after this?)
“I don’t know what I’ll do with the £1,000 but I certainly won’t be spending it on shower gel in 99p Stores.” (Good one)
“I now get an even cheaper brand from Lidl.” (Note: Though a cheaper, lesser quality product, it does not burn his penis and testicles)
A spokesman for Dettol-maker Reckitt Benckiser said: “A review of the product packaging identified it as most likely a product originally made for the Korean market and imported as a grey market product.” (Koreans are renowned for their burn resistant testicular regions)
A spokesman for 99p Stores said: “99p Stores can confirm a settlement was reached between the claimants and the supplier of this product. There’s no question of the authenticity of this product.” (There is, though, the lingering question of whether it will sear your penis and testicles.)