Beasties and The Endless Sh*t

 

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I really don’t want to admit that this actually happened, but hey… it makes for a semi-humorous story. I was about 7 years old at the time. 1987 was in full effect and The Beastie Boys had just started their multi-decade spanning mission to skew my alarmingly sane and clear outlook on life. I’ll never forget the day. I was on my porch with my little Aiwa boom box (it was kind of small…didn’t really have much of a boom to it) and I was pumping some good old Beach Boys. Loved them; such feel good, innocent music. I was sitting there, probably wondering why my parents kept buying me Velcro shoes, when the older boys across the street came outside to play some basketball. Man they were cool, I would go over there to hang out but I didn’t want to get shot with a BB gun. (Yes, I mean not that I had gotten shot, but my friend did.) Now these dudes had a real boom box, like the size of a suitcase. I can admit I had a little boom envy; I wanted to boom like that. Well I tried not to pay attention. Then my life changed forever. The rif and 3 words that would change my life: NO SLEEP TILL…

I didn’t know what was happening. I turned my baby box off and just listened. Half way in I got brave and just had to go over there.

“What do you want, little man?”

“What is this music?”

“Ha ha, you don’t know who the Beastie Boys are?  Ha Ha Ha Ha”

“Mother fucker I’m 7” (OK I didn’t say that, but I should have)

“No…”

“Go get mommy and daddy to buy you this tape; it’s called License To Ill”

I had no idea what that meant but I definitely needed to ill. I was going to have to trick mom into buying this for me since it had a parental advisory sticker on it. My dad would put me in a full nelson if I tried to buy something like that.

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That isn’t what the story is about though, I just wanted to share. About my curiosity, it was around the time of my Beastie Revelation that I found myself in the upstairs bathroom busy taking care of a #2. Shitting used to be fun back then, before it was just a chore. I was still perfecting how I wiped my ass, I think I still crumpled up the toilet paper into balls at that point instead of the nice square size folds I do now. This particular time I was in there for extra-long, so long that my mom noticed. I was sat up on the toilet when my mom knocked. I had a box of Ritz crackers with me and I was eating away so I had to swallow then I said “Yes?” My mom asked if I was OK and what was taking so long. I was eating. “I’m eating” My mom just up and violated my privacy and came in and started in all crazy about why I am eating on the toilet.  So I told her. It was really an experiment. I had already put together that we eat so we shit… but I wanted to know if I were to eat while I was shitting, could I just shit endlessly… or until I ran out of crackers.  My mom got my dad and made me re-explain what I was doing. Then they laughed at me. I thought I was being brilliant. Whatever. They took the crackers and told me my experiment was over. How was I supposed to know it wouldn’t work?  I can’t be the only one that’s tried this. You tried this right? Anyone?

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