You hate to be this guy. Forever cast as that dude that flung sperm on a woman in Walmart. All kinds of fun things happen at Walmart.
If he was smart he would fling sperm on Black Friday, when it’s the least detectable.
This article from The Sun is short and to the point, just like an overwhelming majority of all articles written about sperm flinging. Here it is:
A MAN has been accused of hurling his sperm at a woman in a supermarket because he thought she was “hot”.
Frank Short, 22, was arrested after his victim “felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh and legs” after he walked past her while she was texting on her phone.
The horrified woman, who thought she had been spat on, realised the fluid was a glob of semen on her leg.
She alerted security at the store after Short allegedly followed her through the aisles.
He was arrested after the Walmart manager called police.
Initial tests have also found the substance to be sperm, cops in New Castle, Delaware, said.
Short later claimed he had sneezed in his hand and accidentally shook snot on to the woman before admitting she was “hot” and he had “pretended to slap her ass”.
Short is facing charges of offensive touching with bodily fluid, harassment, disorderly conduct and lewdness.
Well then, this isn’t very funny if you just take it how it is. It’s rather disgusting and appalling. That’s why we need to pursue it further. Sure this part of it may not be a laugh… but the actual questions and conversations that came about in the moments during and after this atrocity have got to be downright riotous.
“Ma’am, what’s wrong? Why are you screaming?”
“He’s flung sperm on me, I’m sure of it”
“What do you mean?”
“What do you mean, what do I mean? He flung his sperm on my leg.”
“Were you giving him a wank in the aisle or something?”
“No! You insensitive asshole, this was unprovoked!”
“Well how can you be so sure it’s sperm?”
“Suppose you’re right, well let me get the police”
That’s embarrassing enough. Now the poor woman has to explain again to the police what has happened.
“OK ma’am, why don’t you tell us what happened.”
“I was just standing in aisle six minding my own business when this beast walked by and flung his sperm on my leg!”
“Yes his sperm! Why is that so hard to believe?!”
“Well ma’am are you 100% positive that it was sperm and not some sort of lubricant or saliva?”
“Suppose you are then. Well, where is he?”
“He’s been detained in the back office.”
You can tell this is far from over can’t you? This is unbelievable, this guy is 22 years old, he is never going to live this down. How do you look another man in the eye and explain this?
“OK sir, why don’t you tell me why you’ve flung sperm on this woman’s leg?”
“It wasn’t sperm.”
“You sure, boy? Don’t lie to me now, we’ve already seen the evidence.”
“It was sperm.”
“What is wrong with you?”
“She’s hot, I got overwhelmed”
“Unbelievable. You can’t do things like that you idiot, what do you think this is, The Silence of the Lambs?
“Where’d you get the sperm, boy?”
“What do you mean? It’s mine”
“No you idiot, people don’t just have sperm in their hands. What did you bring it from home?”
“Did you go have a wank in the bathroom and bring it out to fling on innocent women?”
“Did you wank it in the aisle?”
“You wanked it in the aisle”
“Why aisle 6, what’s in aisle 6?”
“I don’t know”
“Bullshit, someone tell me what’s in aisle 6 now!”
“I just saw her and quickly rubbed one out OK. I got it on her accidentally, I was just trying to get it off my hands”
“It got off in your hands didn’t it?”
“I’m not saying anything else, I need a lawyer.”
Well that’s it for this maniacal episode. I just want to clear up one more bit of information. I did a little research and discovered the the “initial test” that found the substance to be sperm was actually a local prostitute that tasted it. She just happened to be on the scene.