Cougars Will F*ck You Up

This is a pointless piece about Mountain Lions.

Everyone surely has one beast that they never want to encounter in life. Unarmed at least. For some people it may be lions and tigers and bears.

For others it may be crocodiles


And still for others it may be a silverback gorilla

Lucky. This guy was literally paralyzed with fear. No escape attempt. Gorilla could have just taken him anywhere.

But for me it’s the mountain lion. For some reason, I’ve got it lodged in the old wank bank that mountain lions are the fiercest, most ferocious feline displeasure vehicles that have ever existed during my lifetime. Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor.


Mountain lions in the hills of California think they are either in a Hollywood blockbuster action flick or at the X-Games. Not quite sure why, they may be on crystal meth or PCP.  They don’t just attack you out there, they don’t just do things just to do them. You can’t just be hiking some mountainside trail or breaking a percolating sweat while jogging at a Richard Simmons pace:

You have to be doing parkour or barreling down the trail on a mountain bike. That is when they have no problem attacking you, tackling you like you are Joe Theismann and they are Lawrence Taylor.

I don’t know what their major malfunction is.

But they have a problem. Attack weak, dispensable humans… not top flight athletes in their prime.  Mountain lions are crazy, they go about life with reckless abandon. Total disregard for anything or anyone but themselves.

That’s a little baby and it will fucking kill you. It plays for blood already. And what of the cameraman? “That’s a good question, where is mama?” The mama was busy using it’s cub as bait to hunt humans.  “Go up against that tree and act natural, try to look cute… don’t scare nobody. I’ll take care of the rest.” Was this video taken moments before their deaths? I don’t know for sure.

Mountain Lions:

Mountain Lion

They will fuck you up.

They attack BEARS.



    • I wouldn’t want it to happen to me. It would be like having Jason chase you. No matter how fast you run, he just walks, and catches you.

      • Exactly. Every time I look behind me to see where he’s at, he’s always walking in slow motion, with his poofy hair bouncing rhythmically with ever step. I try to run faster and all I hear is “One! Two! Breath! and One! And Two! and BREATHE!”

        I need to talk with someone…

Criticize me here.

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