Songs of My Year

micfire11

2016 was a lot of things. Depending on who you are it was a very good year, full of happiness and growth. Alternatively… it may very well have been a terrible year marred by unwelcome imbalance and impending doom. Oh and anywhere in between, of course. Regardless of where you fall on the scale, I do believe we can all agree on one thing: It was a good year for music. I’ve compiled a list of the 20 songs released in 2016 that I feel are a good example of the vastness and diversity of the great music being produced in this day and age. My favorite songs of the year? Yes, my favorite. But I bet there is something here for you no matter what kind of music you like. This is in no particular order and the only requirement is that the single or album it was part of was released this year. I’ll limit myself to a sentence or two about each song.

1.  1000 Times by Hamilton Leithauser & Rostam

Album: I Had A Dream That You Were Mine

Produced by Rostam Batmanglij

I cheated, what can I say, this is my actual favorite song of the year. Hence the #1 spot. A perfect mix of a heart warming love tale buckled to the end of Leithauser’s raspy howls.

2. A Million Reasons by Lady Gaga

Album: Joanne

Producers: Mark Ronson, Stefani Germanotta, BloodPop

She’s outdone herself with the album Joanne and this song stands out. Showing growth in songwriting and appealing to an older audience.

3. Spit Out The Bone by Metallica

Album: Hardwired… to Self-Destruct Disc 2

Producer: Greg Fidelman

This is just what the doctor ordered. The pacey drums and blistering riffs hint that Metallica is at the top of their game.

4. PillowTalk by Zayn

Album: Mind Of Mine

Producer: Levi Lennox

This song debuted at #1 virtually EVERYWHERE in the world, breaking records while he was at it. Fucking in, fighting on.

5. Hearts/Wires by Deftones

Album: Gore

Producer: Matt Hyde

These guys are my favorite band and this album was a return to form in my eyes. This song brings your focus from melodic trance to dual roarings: Guitars and Chino.

6. The Numbers by Radiohead

Album: A Moon Shaped Pool

Producer: Nigel Godrich

Not much has to be said about who I think is the best band in the world. Radiohead numbs everything and this song has a nineties Radiohead feel to it. Elusive bastards.

7. We The People by A Tribe Called Quest

Album: We got it from Here… Thank You 4 Your service

Producer: QTip

I didn’t like this song from jump street… but it grew on me, you can’t argue with this beat.

8. New Song by Warpaint

Album: Heads Up

Producer: Jacob Bercovici

All girl rock alt-rock band makes a pop song. And they are gorgeous. Try to sit still to this one.

9. Me Too by Meghan Trainor

Album: Thank You

Producer: Ricky Reed

Only two possible questions: Do I include this song? Or How can I not include this song? Super catchy and…super catchy.

10. Faithfully by Skylar Spence

Album: Single

Producer: Ryan DeRobertis

Only song to be released in 2016 by for this guy (formerly Saint Pepsi). Do you know the sample? OK, it’s Aretha Franklin’s Wonderful

11. Loud(y) by Lewis Del Mar

Album: Lewis Del Mar

Producer: Max Harwood

Local heroes hailing from Rock Rock Rockaway Beach. How do I not know someone who knows them? Opening line on this song says it all “Can you please sit the fuck down”

12. Easier by Mansionair

Album: Easier

Producer: Mansionair

Three dudes from Sydney just making music to chill out to. Lyrics really hit home, does it get easier? Will I figure it out?

13. Perfect Illusion by Lady Gaga  (Second time on the list, remember that come Grammy time)

Album: Joanne

Producers: Mark Ronson, Stefani Germanotta, BloodPop, Kevin Parker

Perfect pop song. Queens of the Stoneage front-man taking on some guitar duties with super producer Mark Ronson. Tame Impala’s Kevin Parker on drums. The album also boasts Beck and Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine. Lady Gaga could have four songs on this list.

14. Gardenia by Iggy Pop feat. Josh Homme

Album: Post Pop Depression

Producer: Josh Homme

QOTSA frontman popping up AGAIN. This is a haunting melody that you should not miss. Iggy is an icon for sure.

15. Brazil by Declan McKenna (single released in 2015, EP in 2016. Got airplay in the USA only in 2016 so we’ll count it)

Album: Liar EP

Producer: Declan McKenna

17 years old. Can’t say enough about his still developing talent. This is a gem of a song.

16. Everything You’ve Come To Expect by The Last Shadow Puppets

Album: Everything You’ve Come To Expect

Producer: James Ford

Arctic Monkeys front-man Alex Turner is back at it again with Miles Kane, one of my favorite solo artists. Beautiful depth to this song, tongue twisting lyrics and did you see the dang video??

17. Everybody Dies by J. Cole

Album: Single

Producer: J. Cole

Watch out, J. Cole is taking names. A modern dis track that has a better beat than 98% of rap out there. Oh, you recognize that sample? Minnie Ripperton Inside My Love… you probably heard it on A Tribe Called Quest’s Lyrics To Go.

18. Magnificent (She Says) by Elbow

Album: Litte Fictions (2017)

Producer: Craig Potter

You’ll have to wait a bit for the album but this brilliant single will hold you over. Elbow have been around for 20 years so if you haven’t heard of them you need to rethink your music taste.

19. Blackstar by David Bowie

Album: Blackstar

Producer: Tony Visconti

Clocking in at 10 minutes, this song is a trip that opens up a can of whoop ass at the halfway mark. RIP

20.7 Years by Lukas Graham

Album: Blue Album (April 2016 USA release)

Producers: Future Animals

This song makes me wanna tear up. Not admitting if I actually do. But if a song makes you feel that much it’s a good one.

Listen, you are probably complaining. I don’t care, It took over 4 hours to put this together because I kept listening to all this dang music. Pretty impossible to narrow things down so there are some songs missing for sure.  So who is missing? What song should not be on this list? That’s it for now. Keep the needle on the record.

I Heart Jamie Anderson

You can’t ask why. So don’t bother.

020914_jamieanderson

 

Every now and then a babe comes along and is like “hey you there, stop everything you are doing and pay to me all of your attentions”

Good one, Jamie Anderson. I’m all eyes.

Read some real stuff about it here: http://www.mercurynews.com/sports/ci_25098487/olympics-lake-tahoes-jamie-anderson-wins-slopestyle-gold

Cougars Will F*ck You Up

This is a pointless piece about Mountain Lions.

Everyone surely has one beast that they never want to encounter in life. Unarmed at least. For some people it may be lions and tigers and bears.

For others it may be crocodiles

Idiots.

And still for others it may be a silverback gorilla

Lucky. This guy was literally paralyzed with fear. No escape attempt. Gorilla could have just taken him anywhere.

But for me it’s the mountain lion. For some reason, I’ve got it lodged in the old wank bank that mountain lions are the fiercest, most ferocious feline displeasure vehicles that have ever existed during my lifetime. Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor.

zsazsagabor

Mountain lions in the hills of California think they are either in a Hollywood blockbuster action flick or at the X-Games. Not quite sure why, they may be on crystal meth or PCP.  They don’t just attack you out there, they don’t just do things just to do them. You can’t just be hiking some mountainside trail or breaking a percolating sweat while jogging at a Richard Simmons pace:

You have to be doing parkour or barreling down the trail on a mountain bike. That is when they have no problem attacking you, tackling you like you are Joe Theismann and they are Lawrence Taylor.

I don’t know what their major malfunction is.

But they have a problem. Attack weak, dispensable humans… not top flight athletes in their prime.  Mountain lions are crazy, they go about life with reckless abandon. Total disregard for anything or anyone but themselves.

That’s a little baby and it will fucking kill you. It plays for blood already. And what of the cameraman? “That’s a good question, where is mama?” The mama was busy using it’s cub as bait to hunt humans.  “Go up against that tree and act natural, try to look cute… don’t scare nobody. I’ll take care of the rest.” Was this video taken moments before their deaths? I don’t know for sure.

Mountain Lions:

Mountain Lion

They will fuck you up.

They attack BEARS.

10 Stone Testicles (140 pounds, not 5 pair of rock hard balls)

You should hear his voice.

You should hear his voice.

Man with 10st testicles unhappy as removal leaves him with 1inch penis | The Sun |Woman|Real Life.

You just knew this story wasn’t over.

Wesley Warren Jr was smooth sailing his way towards a normal life.  He lined up a free 13 hour operation to remove his giant testicles and he was fixing to market them on Ebay to the insatiable testicle collecting crowd that we know exists out there somewhere. This is news, folks. Cutting edge.

1358060842_scrotal-lymphedema

Unballievable

You have to feel bad for the guy and not just because The Sun is covering his story. But because his pants aren’t actual pants, despite housing his legs and bits and pieces. What you see there is an upside down, huge,  zip-up hooded sweatshirt. This was the hand the poor man was dealt.

The article compared his 140 pound testicles to a baby hippo. I give them credit… of all things 140 pounds, you have to reckon that a comparison to a baby hippo was most appropriate.

Here’s one eating a tortoise:

tortoisehippoA

It gets worse. The successful operation left him with an inch long penis, which in his own words “doesn’t get any larger”. There is some confusion on whether the penis is an inch long as a result of the operation… or if it was always an inch long. It’s possible that he was born that way, the size of his testicles simply put him in a situation where penis size meant nothing. One problem outweighed the other.

236086-wesley-warren-jr

He had to lug that thing around. (The milk crate, not his testicles… well yes his testicles, but also the milk crate)

Alarmingly, The Sun opted to skip the analogies with regards to his inch long penis. There were no mentions of it being the size of a fetal leprechaun or a baby salamander.

paper clip scale inch

I think there is hope for old Wesley. He just needs to keep the faith. What he lacks in penis size he makes up for with his lack of 140 pound testicles. It’s a winning record if you ask me. I’ll leave you with what is claimed to be an artists interpretation of how his testicles would look if they had a human face and were propped up next to a schoolchild:

scrotum2

Uncle Harry kind of looks like Tony Shalhoub imitating a giant set of testicles.

 

I’m Fly At Fatburger When I’m Way Out East

Fatburger NYC

Judgement Day. Well it’s finally happened, A Fatburger has opened in the backyard playground I call New York City. It’s located at 507 Third Avenue (Murray Hill) in the one double-O one six.

The next closest one for us NYers is in Atlantic City at The Borgata. I don’t know about you, but I can go without the trip down to “Sunglasses at Night Alley” 

I have had a lot of great burgers, but Fatburger is kind of a stand alone when it comes to its mysterious allure and ability to produce a dangerous voracity in it’s pursuers. Yes, once you have had it…you too will become a pursuer.

That's a fried egg.

That’s a fried egg.

You probably haven’t tried it yet. By all means, do not check it out. I don’t want you in line in front of me anyway.

But if you want to feel ravenous and yearn for something like you’re Everything But The Girl…

I suggest you go here when you are in the city and order XXXL Fatburger with EVERYTHING on it, including a fried egg and chili.

fatburger-xxxl-bite

What can I say, I’m a fan of this place.

20100331-fatburger-menu

And here is why. My first introduction to the term “Fatburger”:

LL Cool J Goes Into Hiding – The Dorner Effect

BREAKING NEWS: LL Cool J has gone into hiding from the LAPD for precautionary reasons.

I reached out to Double L and he made the following statement: “This move is merely a precaution, the truth is that I look nothing like a 70 year old Hispanic woman so I don’t think the LAPD will try to murder me”

The move came after The Grammy Awards, during which LAPD officers accidentally drew their guns on LL 5 times.

New T-Shirt Craze On The Way:

Not-Chris-Dorner