Chocolate Death

Of all the ways to die, Svetlana Roslina found the sweetest. The Russian chocolate factory worker fell into a vat of chocolate earlier this week and she did not live to tell the sweet tale. There are conflicting stories circulating surrounding the circumstances of this horrible tragedy. Some say she fell in while adding ingredients to the mix, others say she dropped her mobile phone in the vat and unsuccessfully tried to retrieve it. No one has claimed that she actually wanted to die in a vat of chocolate, though many have admitted to wanting to bathe themselves in chocolate on a daily basis. This is her:

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Svetlana Roslina, a sweetheart

A local source said “She was minced. Only her legs were left.” Minced. This is what minced pork looks like:

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When you hear about someone falling into a vat of chocolate you really want them to come out looking something like this:

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Not this:

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Or this:

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Very sad, she had a husband and two young children. That being said, if you had to die… would a vat of chocolate be that bad? Yes?

Here is the original article: Mother dies after falling into huge vat of melted chocolate

Man Rushed To Hospital With FORK stuck IN HIS PENIS

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Fork in dick

Man rushed to hospital with 10cm FORK stuck in willy | The Sun |News.

You can click on the link all you like, subscribe to them if you will. The Sun has locked down fort, you have to pay to play, but I will give you the highlights:

A man as young as SEVENTY stuck a FORK into his penis. Which by this X-ray… looks like a vagina. I propose that it is because the human mind wants it to be a vagina, you see a vagina. All that is right in your brain tells you that the most acceptable explanation is for the fork to be in a vagina, it just fits better. But we are here to discuss facts, the fork is inside of a penis. In their article, they reference a dude that had to call the fire department after he got his penis stuck in a toaster. A toaster. There is no need to think about it too much, they didn’t supply a picture. You don’t have to Google it, I already searched for the image and it doesn’t exist. The closest I got is this:

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That doesn’t satisfy anything.

The fork thing happened in Canberra, Australia. Down under, in other words. There isn’t much else to this. The man’s motives are unknown or incomprehensible or something. They just aren’t telling us why he stuck the fork in his penis. I hate to speculate. I am thinking about some reasons why I might be forced to shove a fork in my penis, and the best reason I can come up with is that there would maybe have to be a masked man with a gun saying “stick this fork in your penis or I will shoot this toddler” … perhaps I’d have to take one for them team at that point.  Anyway. That’s all I got.

Well there is this song:

Dana Lauren Bonnano Is Home, Safe And Sound.

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That being said, I am taking issue with one Chelsea Hoffman.

Chelsea is supposedly a writer, self-proclaimed at best, that likes to cling to the sensationalism of tragedies to bring herself attention. She started drawing attention to herself by incorrectly drawing a conclusion in this fashion: “With it being already over two weeks since anyone last seen her, it’s probably safe to say it’s already too late.”  See her brilliance here: The Dana Bonanno mystery: Do roommates know what happened? It must be lovely to be so wrong.

In this article: Dana Lauren Bonanno mystery: Foul play, drugs or mental illness? Chelsea shows her dogmatic luster. While a mother is suffering because she has no clue where her daughter is, Chelsea says: “At one point the missing woman’s mother claimed that she called her in ‘an emergency that didn’t sound like an emergency.’ What on earth does this even mean? Comments like these sound idiotic and only serve to confuse those who are trying to find this missing woman. “

So Dana’s mother is idiotic. Very well said, Chelsea.  She also said: “The lack of media coverage in this case is perplexing, because that means there is a lack of questions being asked.” Her brilliance can’t be matched, talk about perplexing. How does Chelsea draw such enigmatic conclusions?

Speaking of brilliance, let’s look at the opening lines of her article:  “The search for Dana Lauren Bonanno continues, but there don’t appear to be any definitive updates to share in the case — which is perplexing, considering it hasn’t even been a month since she was last seen.” There don’t appear to be any. There don’t appear to be any. I like how that rolls off the tongue. 

“Her mother revealed in the recent interview that Dana suffers from anxiety — and this could have very well been inflamed by the loss of her job, as I had speculated in earlier coverage of this case.”  Chelsea was a wunderkind, if you didn’t already pick up on that.

She also said: “This case is in danger of slipping through the cracks unless the media, the public and the NYPD snap into gear.” Apparently Ms. Hoffman indulges in a bit of rocket science in her free time.  The 94th precinct in NYC was on this case and it even had its own itty-bitty lead detective. But the NYPD didn’t snap into gear. The media ignored this case, which is why it was all over the news in NYC, Westchester, Putnam, and Dutchess Counties, and as close as Great Britain via the Daily Mail UK

” these are all telltale signs of drug use or mental illness. If police can eliminate these possibilities from the root of her disappearance, then there could be a possibility of foul play in her disappearance.” Chelsea wants to help find Dana while also drawing the conclusion that she is just some strung out junkie. We all have personal, incredibly debilitating issues throughout life that make us resort to all sorts of actions… Chelsea is the one human immune to said fact. 

Now for the bee’s knees, you can:  fan her Facebook page to follow her latest projects. If you’re interested in learning about criminal profiling, missing persons or serial killers, consider enrolling in the Crime Studies class taught by crime analyst and profiler Chelsea Hoffman!” Glad to know I can keep her facebook page cool in such hot weather. I am honestly thinking about enrolling in her crime studies class online. Yes. She teaches this stuff. Her talent knows no bounds.  

This is her filming a thunderstorm for good reason:

Now that Dana, an old friend of mine, is home… Chelsea wants in on the “Yay She Is Home” bandwagon. Welcome aboard,Chels. Beg for mercy and stick to polluting your own state’s media.

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Chelsea Hoffman

Pain, The Face.

Glass stem pierce’s student’s foot at Cambridge all-night ball | The Sun |News.

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I wonder if this hurts…

You have to commend this guy for making the most absolutely appropriate face for any painfully agonising situation ever. I know what you are thinking. Could this not be confused with noxious odor face? NO. Check out the jugular. Odors can’t do that.

That is some quality glassware… and perhaps some very poor quality shoe-wear. I don’t even want to think about the precise trajectory needed to pull this stunt off.

The hole is plugged up nicely though, isn’t it?

For a second I thought he had on those high-tech suction cup shoes used for scaling glass buildings.

I also want to know if the people around him were chanting “Show Us!”. If someone asked to see my impaled foot for a laugh I may consider physically harming them. He could though, be going through that involuntary reaction similar to running away from pain.

Maybe if he lifts his foot up and embraces it just so… it might not hurt as much. Someone could have helped him out and held his leg up for him, but he did a fine job on his own.

Now since this article is from The Sun, you know they got a quote from the most articulate bystander at the scene: “He looked to be really suffering, which isn’t surprising considering.”  Considering he impaled his foot with a glass stem.  You know there were so so many people around him laughing. They had to have been.

There is a hidden lesson to be learned here people: Under no circumstances should you impale your foot with a glass stem.

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Can anyone guess what goes in box 9?

 Anyone?

WRONG

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Oh stop. He survived.

Live Sex Act And The Teenage Onlookers

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Jail for randy couple who had sex outside station while 40 teens filmed on mobiles | The Sun |News.

British folks love to have sex in public. I mean, that’s just what I heard. And according to The Sun (one of my favourite online news sources), there was this dynamic duo of a couple that decided to fuck like rabbits inside and outside of one of the UK’s busiest rail stations.

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Barnsley Interchange

Pretty straightforward stuff. Oh and they let 40 teenagers watch and film them with their cell phones. These cell phone cameras have so so dramatically changed life as we know it. I remember when you’d have to masturbate on the spot when witnessing  a spontaneous live sex act, instead of recording it and watching it later in your bedroom.

So. Detained were Jacqueline Holden, 37, and 22-year-old Sam Rowan.

Also detained were 60 teenagers, only 40 of whom filmed the sex act.

“Come here lad, did you film it? Let me see… mhmm, OK run along”

“And you, did you film it? Let me see… what’s this? This is anime porn, fuck off out of here”

“Chief, only 40 of them actually filmed it… the rest just watched.”

“And this one here, what about him?”

“We haven’t counted him, he is only 12.”

This lewd couple just got sentenced to 10 weeks jail, or roughly 2 days jail for every teen that filmed them. Apparently the court was also told that Sam Rowan suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome and has other problems that affect his social skills, but not his skills pertaining to finding hot older women willing to have sex with him in front of teenagers.