Chocolate Death

Of all the ways to die, Svetlana Roslina found the sweetest. The Russian chocolate factory worker fell into a vat of chocolate earlier this week and she did not live to tell the sweet tale. There are conflicting stories circulating surrounding the circumstances of this horrible tragedy. Some say she fell in while adding ingredients to the mix, others say she dropped her mobile phone in the vat and unsuccessfully tried to retrieve it. No one has claimed that she actually wanted to die in a vat of chocolate, though many have admitted to wanting to bathe themselves in chocolate on a daily basis. This is her:

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Svetlana Roslina, a sweetheart

A local source said “She was minced. Only her legs were left.” Minced. This is what minced pork looks like:

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When you hear about someone falling into a vat of chocolate you really want them to come out looking something like this:

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Not this:

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Or this:

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Very sad, she had a husband and two young children. That being said, if you had to die… would a vat of chocolate be that bad? Yes?

Here is the original article: Mother dies after falling into huge vat of melted chocolate

Goodbye, Bradley. Hello Chelsea Manning.

Bradley Manning

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Just got sentenced to 35 years for his part in leaking classified information to Wikileaks.

He will likely do a third of his sentence, so 12 years. He gets credited for the time he has already served, which is some 3 years.  So that is 9. There is an automatic appeal that he can waive, but an appeal can only help not harm. So maybe it gets knocked down to 25 years.  A third of would be about 9 years… 3 of which he has already served. So he does 6 years.

Oh, and he has come out saying that he wants to live as a woman. His new name shall be Chelsea Manning.

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He plans to begin hormone treatment immediately. This man is a genius. 5 years of prison while undergoing hormone treatment to become a woman is like sending a plump, gluttonous child to the Chocolate Factory. All on our dime. Brilliant.

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How Do You Piss Off A Dude With One Leg?

Tell him to kick you.

I could be wrong, I actually don’t know if they prefer to stand.

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Naked man collapses, dies in neighborhood rampage | wtsp.com.

That being said, a one Norbert A. Chabannes from Perdido Key, Florida went on a rampage on Monday and then… he died. On his own. Unassisted. He was naked and had one leg. The article was brazen enough to say that he was disabled. But at the same time they say he tried to break into a neighbours house unsuccessfully, then crawled across the street to another house and tried to throw a cinder block through a window. All of these things are symptoms of abled people. The cops showed up and apparently tried to reason with the poor boy to no avail. I wonder how they put it?

“Sir, you have one leg. Cut it out, on your feet… or foot… um, have a seat.”

Norbit, Norbert, same thing.

To back up my declaration of Norbert’s not being disabled (with a name like Norbert, is anyone really surprised that this happened), we have the article state that “Chabannes had earlier arrived at his home Monday and became confrontational with Rochelle Duke – his housekeeper – gouging her eyes and banging her head repeatedly against a wall before she was able to flee.”

This naked one-legged dude had a housekeeper. I’m already jealous. He gouged her eyes and banged her head repeatedly against the wall. I have to call bullshit on this one, they must have been playing some kinky sex game cause a pre-teen could have gotten away from a raging one-legged dude by moonwalking slowly. She made the choice to stay within his strike zone, which by my calculation has to be about an arm’s length in any direction.

They say he probably  had a cocaine problem, considering his documented cocaine addiction. I want to say that coke has nothing to do with a naked one-legged dude going on a rampage and trying to break into houses, then dying. Musta been those damn bath salts that are indigenous to Florida.

Man Rushed To Hospital With FORK stuck IN HIS PENIS

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Fork in dick

Man rushed to hospital with 10cm FORK stuck in willy | The Sun |News.

You can click on the link all you like, subscribe to them if you will. The Sun has locked down fort, you have to pay to play, but I will give you the highlights:

A man as young as SEVENTY stuck a FORK into his penis. Which by this X-ray… looks like a vagina. I propose that it is because the human mind wants it to be a vagina, you see a vagina. All that is right in your brain tells you that the most acceptable explanation is for the fork to be in a vagina, it just fits better. But we are here to discuss facts, the fork is inside of a penis. In their article, they reference a dude that had to call the fire department after he got his penis stuck in a toaster. A toaster. There is no need to think about it too much, they didn’t supply a picture. You don’t have to Google it, I already searched for the image and it doesn’t exist. The closest I got is this:

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That doesn’t satisfy anything.

The fork thing happened in Canberra, Australia. Down under, in other words. There isn’t much else to this. The man’s motives are unknown or incomprehensible or something. They just aren’t telling us why he stuck the fork in his penis. I hate to speculate. I am thinking about some reasons why I might be forced to shove a fork in my penis, and the best reason I can come up with is that there would maybe have to be a masked man with a gun saying “stick this fork in your penis or I will shoot this toddler” … perhaps I’d have to take one for them team at that point.  Anyway. That’s all I got.

Well there is this song:

Cougars Will F*ck You Up

This is a pointless piece about Mountain Lions.

Everyone surely has one beast that they never want to encounter in life. Unarmed at least. For some people it may be lions and tigers and bears.

For others it may be crocodiles

Idiots.

And still for others it may be a silverback gorilla

Lucky. This guy was literally paralyzed with fear. No escape attempt. Gorilla could have just taken him anywhere.

But for me it’s the mountain lion. For some reason, I’ve got it lodged in the old wank bank that mountain lions are the fiercest, most ferocious feline displeasure vehicles that have ever existed during my lifetime. Aside from Zsa Zsa Gabor.

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Mountain lions in the hills of California think they are either in a Hollywood blockbuster action flick or at the X-Games. Not quite sure why, they may be on crystal meth or PCP.  They don’t just attack you out there, they don’t just do things just to do them. You can’t just be hiking some mountainside trail or breaking a percolating sweat while jogging at a Richard Simmons pace:

You have to be doing parkour or barreling down the trail on a mountain bike. That is when they have no problem attacking you, tackling you like you are Joe Theismann and they are Lawrence Taylor.

I don’t know what their major malfunction is.

But they have a problem. Attack weak, dispensable humans… not top flight athletes in their prime.  Mountain lions are crazy, they go about life with reckless abandon. Total disregard for anything or anyone but themselves.

That’s a little baby and it will fucking kill you. It plays for blood already. And what of the cameraman? “That’s a good question, where is mama?” The mama was busy using it’s cub as bait to hunt humans.  “Go up against that tree and act natural, try to look cute… don’t scare nobody. I’ll take care of the rest.” Was this video taken moments before their deaths? I don’t know for sure.

Mountain Lions:

Mountain Lion

They will fuck you up.

They attack BEARS.

A Birthday Story

I was on my way to work yesterday. Driving my typical route, on my typically delayed schedule. The phone rang and it was my mom. “Happy Birthday!” She sounded so happy, so proud that her son was taking a hold of his 30’s at a ripe 33. Touching, heartfelt, the love of a mother is unlike any other love on this earth.

This started an intense line of questioning.

“What do you mean, Happy Birthday?”

“What?”

“My birthday is tomorrow”

“Oh my goodness!!” – She started laughing uncontrollably.

“Do you have any other children you want to tell me about?”

“No!” – more laughter

“Is there anything you need to tell me, mom? Is this how it starts? First my birthday, then what? Perhaps my name?”

More laughing.

OK OK I’ll lay off the gas. I started laughing uncomfortably too. In her defense, she is retired for the most part and works freelance when she wants to so… she lost track of the days. She said she really thought it was July 19th, she remembered when my birthday was, just got the day of the week botched. I am going to let it slide. But I’ve got my eye on her.

I've got that look on my face because my dad's nuts are rested against my afro.

I’ve got that look on my face because my dad’s nuts are rested against my afro.

Now a poem:

July Eighteen, will lay the scene.

I said “Mother, what ever do you mean?”

She said “wow”

“I remember now”

“Your birthday is July Nineteen”