The Hare On My Face

A doctor told me that by the time I am 38 I may be able to grow a full beard. Fucked me up because I went to him because of my anxiety.

 

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Man Rushed To Hospital With FORK stuck IN HIS PENIS

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Fork in dick

Man rushed to hospital with 10cm FORK stuck in willy | The Sun |News.

You can click on the link all you like, subscribe to them if you will. The Sun has locked down fort, you have to pay to play, but I will give you the highlights:

A man as young as SEVENTY stuck a FORK into his penis. Which by this X-ray… looks like a vagina. I propose that it is because the human mind wants it to be a vagina, you see a vagina. All that is right in your brain tells you that the most acceptable explanation is for the fork to be in a vagina, it just fits better. But we are here to discuss facts, the fork is inside of a penis. In their article, they reference a dude that had to call the fire department after he got his penis stuck in a toaster. A toaster. There is no need to think about it too much, they didn’t supply a picture. You don’t have to Google it, I already searched for the image and it doesn’t exist. The closest I got is this:

brave_little_toaster_by_pedalfile-d4r07ym

That doesn’t satisfy anything.

The fork thing happened in Canberra, Australia. Down under, in other words. There isn’t much else to this. The man’s motives are unknown or incomprehensible or something. They just aren’t telling us why he stuck the fork in his penis. I hate to speculate. I am thinking about some reasons why I might be forced to shove a fork in my penis, and the best reason I can come up with is that there would maybe have to be a masked man with a gun saying “stick this fork in your penis or I will shoot this toddler” … perhaps I’d have to take one for them team at that point.  Anyway. That’s all I got.

Well there is this song:

Will This Stain Come Out Or Is It Spermanent?

Frank Short

Frank Short

 

You hate to be this guy. Forever cast as that dude that flung sperm on a woman in Walmart. All kinds of fun things happen at Walmart.

If he was smart he would fling sperm on Black Friday, when it’s the least detectable.

This article from The Sun is short and to the point, just like an overwhelming majority of all articles written about sperm flinging.  Here it is:

A MAN has been accused of hurling his sperm at a woman in a supermarket because he thought she was “hot”.
Frank Short, 22, was arrested after his victim “felt something wet on her buttocks, thigh and legs” after he walked past her while she was texting on her phone.
The horrified woman, who thought she had been spat on, realised the fluid was a glob of semen on her leg.
She alerted security at the store after Short allegedly followed her through the aisles.
He was arrested after the Walmart manager called police.
Initial tests have also found the substance to be sperm, cops in New Castle, Delaware, said.
Short later claimed he had sneezed in his hand and accidentally shook snot on to the woman before admitting she was “hot” and he had “pretended to slap her ass”.
Short is facing charges of offensive touching with bodily fluid, harassment, disorderly conduct and lewdness.

Well then, this isn’t very funny if you just take it how it is. It’s rather disgusting and appalling. That’s why we need to pursue it further. Sure this part of it may not be a laugh… but the actual questions and conversations that came about in the moments during and after this atrocity have got to be downright riotous.

“Ma’am, what’s wrong? Why are you screaming?”

“He’s flung sperm on me, I’m sure of it”

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean, what do I mean? He flung his sperm on my leg.”

“Were you giving him a wank in the aisle or something?”

“No! You insensitive asshole, this was unprovoked!”

“Well how can you be so sure it’s sperm?”

CD14

“Suppose you’re right, well let me get the police”

That’s embarrassing enough. Now the poor woman has to explain again to the police what has happened.

“OK ma’am, why don’t you tell us what happened.”

“I was just standing in aisle six minding my own business when this beast walked by and flung his sperm on my leg!”

“His sperm?”

“Yes his sperm! Why is that so hard to believe?!”

“Well ma’am are you 100% positive that it was sperm and not some sort of lubricant or saliva?”

CD14

“Suppose you are then. Well, where is he?”

“He’s been detained in the back office.”

You can tell this is far from over can’t you? This is unbelievable, this guy is 22 years old, he is never going to live this down. How do you look another man in the eye and explain this?

“OK sir, why don’t you tell me why you’ve flung sperm on this woman’s leg?”

“It wasn’t sperm.”

“You sure, boy? Don’t lie to me now, we’ve already seen the evidence.”

CD14

“It was sperm.”

“What is wrong with you?”

“She’s hot, I got overwhelmed”

“Unbelievable. You can’t do things like that you idiot, what do you think this is, The Silence of the Lambs?

“Where’d you get the sperm, boy?”

“What do you mean? It’s mine”

“No you idiot, people don’t just have sperm in their hands. What did you bring it from home?”

“No”

“Did you go have a wank in the bathroom and bring it out to fling on innocent women?”

“No”

“Did you wank it in the aisle?”

“…”

“You wanked it in the aisle”

“Yes”

“Which aisle?”

“Aisle 6”

“Why aisle 6, what’s in aisle 6?”

“I don’t know”

“Bullshit, someone tell me what’s in aisle 6 now!”

“I just saw her and quickly rubbed one out OK. I got it on her accidentally, I was just trying to get it off my hands”

“It got off in your hands didn’t it?”

“I’m not saying anything else, I need a lawyer.”

Well that’s it for this maniacal episode. I just want to clear up one more bit of information. I did a little research and discovered the the “initial test” that found the substance to be sperm was actually a local prostitute that tasted it. She just happened to be on the scene.

10 Stone Testicles (140 pounds, not 5 pair of rock hard balls)

You should hear his voice.

You should hear his voice.

Man with 10st testicles unhappy as removal leaves him with 1inch penis | The Sun |Woman|Real Life.

You just knew this story wasn’t over.

Wesley Warren Jr was smooth sailing his way towards a normal life.  He lined up a free 13 hour operation to remove his giant testicles and he was fixing to market them on Ebay to the insatiable testicle collecting crowd that we know exists out there somewhere. This is news, folks. Cutting edge.

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Unballievable

You have to feel bad for the guy and not just because The Sun is covering his story. But because his pants aren’t actual pants, despite housing his legs and bits and pieces. What you see there is an upside down, huge,  zip-up hooded sweatshirt. This was the hand the poor man was dealt.

The article compared his 140 pound testicles to a baby hippo. I give them credit… of all things 140 pounds, you have to reckon that a comparison to a baby hippo was most appropriate.

Here’s one eating a tortoise:

tortoisehippoA

It gets worse. The successful operation left him with an inch long penis, which in his own words “doesn’t get any larger”. There is some confusion on whether the penis is an inch long as a result of the operation… or if it was always an inch long. It’s possible that he was born that way, the size of his testicles simply put him in a situation where penis size meant nothing. One problem outweighed the other.

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He had to lug that thing around. (The milk crate, not his testicles… well yes his testicles, but also the milk crate)

Alarmingly, The Sun opted to skip the analogies with regards to his inch long penis. There were no mentions of it being the size of a fetal leprechaun or a baby salamander.

paper clip scale inch

I think there is hope for old Wesley. He just needs to keep the faith. What he lacks in penis size he makes up for with his lack of 140 pound testicles. It’s a winning record if you ask me. I’ll leave you with what is claimed to be an artists interpretation of how his testicles would look if they had a human face and were propped up next to a schoolchild:

scrotum2

Uncle Harry kind of looks like Tony Shalhoub imitating a giant set of testicles.

 

Pain, The Face.

Glass stem pierce’s student’s foot at Cambridge all-night ball | The Sun |News.

foot620_1748263a

I wonder if this hurts…

You have to commend this guy for making the most absolutely appropriate face for any painfully agonising situation ever. I know what you are thinking. Could this not be confused with noxious odor face? NO. Check out the jugular. Odors can’t do that.

That is some quality glassware… and perhaps some very poor quality shoe-wear. I don’t even want to think about the precise trajectory needed to pull this stunt off.

The hole is plugged up nicely though, isn’t it?

For a second I thought he had on those high-tech suction cup shoes used for scaling glass buildings.

I also want to know if the people around him were chanting “Show Us!”. If someone asked to see my impaled foot for a laugh I may consider physically harming them. He could though, be going through that involuntary reaction similar to running away from pain.

Maybe if he lifts his foot up and embraces it just so… it might not hurt as much. Someone could have helped him out and held his leg up for him, but he did a fine job on his own.

Now since this article is from The Sun, you know they got a quote from the most articulate bystander at the scene: “He looked to be really suffering, which isn’t surprising considering.”  Considering he impaled his foot with a glass stem.  You know there were so so many people around him laughing. They had to have been.

There is a hidden lesson to be learned here people: Under no circumstances should you impale your foot with a glass stem.

collage 1

Can anyone guess what goes in box 9?

 Anyone?

WRONG

collage 2

Oh stop. He survived.