It Could Be Worse.

man_in_the_fog____by_reddog54

Just In: Scarsdale Man Thinks He’s Hit Rock Bottom, Embarrasses Self.

Not one to hide behind the life I am blessed with, I recently… mistakenly.. thought I had plunged to the bottom of life’s ocean while in the comfort of my own apartment. That’s right. Depression, recession, overindulging without cessation. It’s a recipe for disaster, and a disasterpiece it would become. I’ll spare you the details, you can ask me if you’d like and I can fill you in. This sporadic so-called blog entry is more of a broad addressing of the feelings and occurrences that can fool you into believing all is lost. Job loss, money problems, relationship problems, death, wavery faith. Speaking for myself, I can take on most of those one on one and come out on top… or perhaps think I am going to persevere, while at least coming out somewhere that is not the bottom. Except for death. I reckon I have a tough time with that one. It’s hard to put things in perspective when facing hardship. It can consume you, it’s consumed me more than once. One track mind, worry worry worry, panic, fear, and then running from those things or at least trying to forget. I read a book (believe it) that used the term anhedonia – the inability to feel pleasure. It’s not my permanent state, but I sure can get myself there. Delivered right to it’s doorstep by yours truly. Imagine actually suffering from that daily. Forever. Would I last? Would you last? Ask yourself this: On a scale of 1-10. Sad to happy, respectively. What is your range? What is the range you think you fluctuate between? I think an emotionally competent and mature person ranges between 4 and 8. Of course there are those moments of 1 and moments of 10. I think my range is 1-10, but I just skip the middle numbers because I am lazy. So I am usually either a 2 or 3 … or 9 or 10 (the latter being near impossible to reach). I’m starting to think it’s a self imposed fate. Why do I feel despair? Why does it overcome me so easily? The complete absence of hope, there is no reason for it. I try to lean into my faith, turn to what I know makes me happy. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. I’ve decided my scale goes from -5 to 10. That is why I am “chillen” at a 2 or 3. Compared to a -5,  I am rolling. And I don’t necessarily like being super happy or excited. Maybe I’ve let tragedy flatten me out, disillusioned with life. I’ve had a lot of fun in my life, I’d say too much. I think my threshold for excitement has been pushed to a level that I just can’t reach very easily. I don’t regret the fun nor would I take it back. It’s helped shape me into the shell of a man I am today. Textbook jaded.

Maybe I don’t take enough breaks from my own life when I am in a position to. I’ve never been one to take a proper vacation. Go somewhere for a week or two, burn vacation days. I once had a job MAKE me use my vacation days because I would just never take off. I don’t think it’s healthy. When I could afford it I should have been riding in the mountains for a week or staring at the Spanish moss in Savannah. Taking a break from my life. A self-imposed time-out. I’d like to think I don’t need to be forced into a time out… but… if I were… I think I may be able to have it do the same trick. Let me gain a new perspective on life, measure things out. Get refreshed. Clear my head. I’m sure it would work like a charm.

Positivity is contagious and infectious. What you put into the universe is what you will most certainly get out. (gotta give credit to a friend of mine for putting it to me that way) I have to keep that in mind. I used to go to sold out concerts and think that I would will my way in. Just know I am getting in no matter what. Well, you can use your willpower to make negative things happen too. I am putting this all down on “paper” to help convince myself. I want to believe.

It’s very possible that some of you have had a run-in with me when I wasn’t at my best. When I’d lost hope and become very negative, not my usual non-perky self. For that I do apologize. I am making a big push to polish my shoes so my best foot can be put forward. It was never going to be easy. Remedial, yes. It’s like déjà vu all over again.

Well, I do feel better. Let’s give this rat race another crack at.

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